Rocco’s Broken Promise

I promised her I would protect her.

I promised I would never leave her side, not for a moment.

That promise became the shape of my whole life, and I wore it proudly. But what happens to a vow when the person you made it for is no longer here?

Angela told me once that I wasn’t meant to be just her shield.

She wanted me to grow, to make choices for myself, to stay because I wanted to, not because I had to.

I thought I understood, but I didn’t and when she left, I stayed behind, still guarding her last wish like a soldier waiting for orders that will never come.

Amongst the quiet, a voice began to grow and it whispered that I failed.

That no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t strong enough, fast enough, or good enough to protect her in the way I promised.

That voice has weight to it, pressing on my shoulders until it feels like I can hardly move. Eventually, it grew into a monkey that clings to me, digging its claws into my back, laughing in my ear. I named him Paul.

Paul tells me I’m useless without her.

He tells me the promise is broken, and so am I. That I’ll never be more than a shadow of the vow I couldn’t keep and matter how I try to shake him off, he clings tighter, reminding me of every moment I wasn’t enough.

But sometimes, when the air is still, I hear her voice instead.

Soft, steady, and patient telling me I didn’t have to be perfect. She told me she never wanted me bound to her will and only to live because I could. In those moments, I wonder if maybe moving on isn’t breaking the promise, maybe it’s keeping it.

I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free of Paul. But I do know this: she wanted me to stay, and I’m still here and hat has to mean something.

Journal Prompts

Have you ever kept a promise so tightly that it kept you from moving forward?
What “voice” sits on your shoulder and tells you you’re not enough? Can you give it a name?
What would it look like to move forward while still honoring the past?

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